The book of Mickey

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1.1 In the land of Dsit ruled a mighty queen who went by the name of Mickey, scourge of woke. Many were her proclamations, and much weeping and gnashing of teeth was there among the people of the Academicals, who cried, Lord who will save us from the tribe of Con?
1.2 But Queen Mickey sayeth unto the Academicals thou art a superpower and thou hast never had it so good. And the Academicals respondeth, not from where we sitteth mate, doest thou taketh the Mickey O Queen?
1.3 For much had the shekels of the Academicals been taxed by the Pharoah Rishi, who sayeth unto all the tribes of Uk that they must render unto Rishi that which is Rishi’s but that he aspireth over the longterm to abolish national insurance.

2.1. The people of the Academicals did rend their garments for like the other tribes of Uk they had not shekels enough to heat their tents, nor to exchange for loaves and fishes. Nor could they maketh an appointment with a physician and some waiteth up to 12 hours for the laying on of hands in Accident and Emergency, while others pulleth out their own teeth for there were no more healers of gums in the land of Uk.
2.2. And the elders of the tribe of Academicals sayeth unto the people that the temple coffers were bare and if the scholars from the east be not allowed to travel to the land of Uk anymore, and there be no other shekels soon, then there would be the closing of offices.
2.3. But the rulers of the tribe of Con sayeth that the Academicals be awash with shekels in a paradise on earth, and that maybe the elders should not hath spent all the coins on such big tents for their own sake.
2.4. And the people prayed unto the Lord to send them a general election, for this burden could no longer be endured.

3.1 It was then that Mickey queen of Dsit sat on her golden throne and proclaimed with trumpets unto the entire land of Uk that there be some among the Academicals who art zealots, for they doth speak in forked tongues and giveth succour unto the wicked.
3.2. And the people of the Academicals sayeth, thou what now? Be this a thing? When all else is broken in the land of Uk? Truly thou art a Goliath among the warriors of culture.
3.3 But Mickey doubleth down and sayeth unto the elders of the Academicals, bring forth thy Wokies, for full wax is my wroth with them. And she decreed that the tribe of the Academicals shall not commit diversity nor equality nor inclusion nor any other act required by that same law as written in tablets of stone since 2010 BC* [*Before the Conservatives].

4.1. Then some among the people of the Academicals did gather. And they called forth a scribe to send a scroll before action to Mickey queen of Dsit for they sayeth that she did make slander with her proclamation.
4.2. When the parchment reached the palace of Queen Mickey, much were the servants of the ruler of Dsit abashed for they did seek legal counsel and knew at once that they be on the hook for a pay out of shekels.
4.3. Then was there the pointing of digits and the servants sayeth unto one another, who stayed awake until the cock crew drafting the proclamation with Queen Mickey? And all did say, they knoweth not for their lamp was not trimmed at that hour.
4.4. Lo, it seemeth that there be not one wise man, never mind three, in the palace of Dsit.

5.1 In the house of the elders of Academical the pharisees did meet and they sayeth unto one another that they must seek out the truth of the proclamation of the queen of Dsit.
5.2. Some sayeth that a sacrifice should be offered and that they should speak no more of diversity nor of all people being equal in the eyes of the Lord.
5.3. Others sayeth not a dot or iota will pass from the Law of 2010 until all is accomplished and whoever relaxeth one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same shall be cancelleth.
5.4 Then the one called Ottoline, which in scripture means ‘she who seeketh not a second term’, sayeth that all those that spake the truth about inclusion shall be welcome in the kingdom of Swindon.
5.5. And a scribe among the Academicals sayeth, blessed are the suit makers for they shall receive a limited payment without acceptance of liability.

6.1. Now the servants of Dsit drew lots to see who would tell the queen that she must humble herself before the tribe of the Academicals for she did bear false witness when she proclaimed that they giveth succour to the wicked.
6.2. At first, the prideful queen did stop her ears to the lamentation of her servants, and she sayeth unto them, thou humble thyself in public if thou lovest diversity so much, for I repent not my words.
6.3. Then a scribe from the court of Dsit sayeth unto the queen that the bond of shekels could come from the purse of the people, for so great had been the slander that the palace itself was on the hook for it and that it was probably prudent to render a tithe before things getteth out of hand.
6.4. And Pharoah Rishi sayeth that he hath full confidence in Mickey of Dsit, for she be a worthy queen and that he hath twelve other much bigger plagues to deal with right now.

7.1 Then did Mickey queen of Dsit make a new proclamation and sayeth that she now hath faith in the tribe of Academicals and that in fact their words giveth not comfort to the wicked. For she understandeth now when reading verses on tablets, the difference between a headline and an article.
7.2. Some in the tribe of Academicals did offer to give instruction to the queen of Dsit in the scrolls of Media Studies, for a little knowledge of the words of the prophet Marshall McLuhan could have saved her much ignominy and the shekel-payer much cost.
7.3 While among the tribes of the Uk much wonder was there at the miracle of the queen’s bill for slander that had been paid from the purse of the people. Much wrath and indignation was there, until the next folly from the leaders of Con came along to distract everyone.
7.4 But the queen rose not to the taunting of the crowds and pondered all these things in her heart for the next time the Academicals hath a wokey advisory group.
7.5. In a dream, the angel Dowden, counsellor to the Pharoah Rishi, appeared to Mickey with a tablet of news for the elect, which sayeth, “Stay awake for though know not the day nor the hour. But heads up, it’s not the 2nd of May.” The queen sayeth unto the angel Dowden, “Stay woke, are you sure?” And the herald said, “Giveth it a rest Mickey.”

8.1 Then in the evening of the day, a cry came from the Sanctuary buildings. For it was the High Priest Halfon, shepherd of the apprentices.
8.2. And he crieth unto the tribe of Con, “In the beginning was Willetts and Willetts was not with Gove but with Vince Cable, for some reason. Then Willetts begat Greg Clark, and Greg Clark begat Jo Johnson, and Jo Johnson begat Sam Gyimah, and Sam Gyimah begat Chris Skidmore, and Chris Skidmore begat Jo Johnson (again), and Jo Johnson begat Chris Skidmore (again, seriously), then Chris Skidmore begat the chosen one, Queen Mickey, then Queen Mickey begat Andrea Jenkyns (unbelievably), and Andrea Jenkyns begat Halfon, which seemed to most like an improvement.”
8.3. Then the high priest did look unto the Pharoah Rishi and back unto the Queen Mickey and then to his own queen Keegan, who laboureth under the sun though no man giveth thanks unto her. And Halfon sayeth, “I quit.”
8.4. And the Pharoah Rishi sayeth unto Halfon, “Though hast been a good and loyal servant, why doth thou forsake thy task as steward of my house?” Then Halfon spake, “I say solemnly unto you o king, thou needest the greatest come back since Lazarus.”
8.5. Then did Halfon return unto the desert or as it was known in those times, the back benches.

9.1. And lo, the people of the Academicals did wander through the wilderness once more.
9.2. The elders of the tribe of Academicals did look at the book of numbers and, shaking their heads, said that without more shekels there would be no promised land.
9.3. And the people did wail and moan for the day they would be set free.

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