All at sea - Research Professional News

Images: EU2017EE [CC BY 2.0], Number 10 [CC BY-NC-SA 2.0] via Flickr; Chris McAndrews [CC BY 3.0] via Wikimedia Commons. By Grace Eliz for Research Professional News.

Ivory Tower: the UK’s premier university media relations team gets with the latest TikTok craze

Somewhere on Zoom…

McCall: I’ve had enough of this.

Janet: Mr McCall could you switch your camera on?

McCall: No, I’ve had enough. I never thought I’d say it but I miss the office.

Janet: You were never there. You’d come in at 10 and go to lunch at 11 and be home by three.

McCall: Flexible working, Janet, that’s the key. This is just grim.

Janet: Sometimes you were as flexible as a newt by lunchtime.

McCall: Just oiling the wheels of commerce, Janet. I haven’t left the house for 72 hours.

Janet: Can you put your camera on?

McCall: No, I miss Alexander swanning into the office with a soya latte in one hand and a vice-chancellor with bad headlines in the other.

Janet: Have you told him that?

McCall: Of course not.

Janet: Put your camera on, please Mr McCall.

McCall: No, I’m in my pants and dressing gown, and my cleaner hasn’t been for three weeks. I’ve got no ironed clothes and my kitchen looks like a Wuhan wet market.

Janet: Mr Juniper said he would be bringing a new client on the call.

McCall: When?

Janet: Just about now. Here he is, I’ll admit him and this other person, GW-Defence, who’s that?

McCall: Oh God, better find something to wear, quick.

Juniper: Good morning, Janet, how are you on this fine crisp morning.

Janet: Still locked down Mr Juniper.

Juniper: Not to worry. I’m sure you’re learning lots as part of your degree apprenticeship.

Janet: I’ve learned that online classes suck and the government doesn’t care about students.

Juniper: Ah, office banter, even in lockdown, how lovely. Allow me to introduce our new client, the secretary of state for education Gavin Williamson.

Janet: Oh God.

Williamson: Gavin will do. May I say ‘ow luvlee it is to meet a yoongster such as yourself.

Janet: Yoongster?

Juniper: I didn’t know you read Carl Jung, Janet?

Janet: Carl who?

Juniper: Never mind, where is Oliver? Why isn’t his camera on?

McCall: Here I am, just on the phone to a client. Good to see you secretary of state.

Juniper: What are you wearing?

McCall: A woollen jumper, it is winter.

Juniper: It looks like cricket whites.

McCall: Yes, I suppose they are. You know, just trying to keep fit while locked down.

Juniper: Leg spin?

McCall: It’s a bit like yoga.

Juniper: We’ll speak later. Anyway, allow me to introduce the minister.

Williamson: This line is seecoor isn’t it?

McCall: We take every precaution secretary of state. There’s no Russian malware on our computers.

Juniper: Perhaps, Gavin might explain how we can help him.

Gavin: Is it alright to speak in froont of the yoongster?

McCall: The what?

Gavin: The yoongster.

McCall: Do you read Jung, Janet?

Janet: I don’t know what you are talking about Mr McCall.

Juniper: Janet is a great success secretary of state, she is a pioneer in vocational learning. Whatever you say in front of us you can say to Janet.

Gavin: Good because I wouldn’t want anything to slip out on social media.

McCall: No, we wouldn’t want any bad headlines would we secretary of state.

Williamson: That’s the thing. I’m sick of it all and need help.

McCall: Me too, I was just saying to Janet before you came on, this latest lockdown is the worst. I blame the government.

Williamson: No, I mean the negative press I receive. You peepoll are meant to be the media experts.

Juniper: Indeed we are minister. We’ve helped hundreds of clients in much worse situations than you.

McCall: I wouldn’t go that far.

Williamson: Have you seen the froont of the Star today?

McCall: Corbyn attacks Biden over big business?

Juniper: I think he means the Daily Star, not the Morning Star.

Williamson: There’s a giant picture of me and they are givin’ awaay a “Sorry for being clueless” kit for every politician. I’m not clueless, am I?

Juniper: Well, some might say, you appear to be clue-light.

Williamson: I was supposed to launch my FE reforms yesterday, instead I ended oop tellin’ everyone that I would give two weeks notice on schools re-opening.

Juniper: Yes, when are schools re-opening? It’s rather tricky to run a university media relations agency and teach GCSE Spanish at the same time.

Williamson: That’s the problem, I haven’t a clue.

Juniper: Yes, yesterday was the least successful launch since…

McCall: New flavour coke?

Juniper: I was thinking of the Challenger space shuttle.

McCall: OK, secretary of state, take a deep breath. There are plenty of things we can do at this moment in time. Let’s run through our standard operating procedure.

Williamson: Which is?

Juniper: We consult focus groups in key demographics. Who would you say dislikes you the most secretary of state?

Williamson: MPs, no parents, no teachers, no the unions, no yoongsters.

McCall: What is it with those Jung guys?

Williamson: No, yoong peepoll, students and pew-pills in schools, colleges and yooniversities.

Juniper: Excellent, so let’s consult our resident youth trends analyst. Janet, what can the minister do to make young people happy?

Janet: I thought he’d ruled out resignation.

Juniper: Obviously, Janet.

Janet: Well, I’ve been thinking about this for an assignment on my course, reputational management among key stakeholders through search engine optimisation.

McCall: You mean, the minister should get with the latest internet craze?

Janet: Sea shanties are very big on TikTok at the moment.

Williamson: TikTok?

Juniper: Yes, it’s what the yoongsters are into. Do you have anything in mind Janet?

Janet: There’s something that’s been doing the rounds with people on my course. I think the minister could own it. Send himself up.

McCall: The Gareth Southgate strategy?

Williamson: The what?

Juniper: When Gareth Southgate missed a penalty and England lost the Euro 96 semi-final he did a self-deprecating add for Pizza Hut, and over a period of time…

McCall: A long period of time.

Juniper: He sufficiently repaired his reputation to become England manager.

McCall: And then lost another semi-final.

Williamson: I could make a joke of myself?

Juniper: No comment, minister. This is more active reputation management, a form of diversion if you will.

McCall: Let’s see what you’ve got, Janet.

Janet: It’s a version of The Wellerman, which is very popular at the moment. It’s a four-piece harmony, which you could do with, say, the prime minister, Michael Gove and Matt Hancock. But for now, if I share the lyrics on screen, we could give it a try.

Janet: There once was a ship that put to sea.
The name of the ship was the DfE.
The winds blew up, her bow dipped down.
O blow, my Tory boys, blow.