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Red meat


Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the government higher education and research WhatsApp group

#NadZEdSec: As part of Operation Save Big Dog, I’ve been asked to pull together a red meat white paper for universities. Let’s have your ideas.

KwasiBEIS: Aren’t you supposed to have that already?

#NadZEdSec: Red meat?

KwasiBEIS: A white paper, I heard it was supposed to be out in November.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: You are thinking of the response to the Augar report.

SirGavinW: No, that was due in 2019.

#NadZEdSec: What’s he doing on here?

SirGavinW: Who do you think is running the unofficial whipping operation on behalf of Big Dog?

KwasiBEIS: Explains why it’s going so well.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: I’m confused, is the red meat for the red wall?

#NadZEdSec: No, it’s for back bench MPs thinking of sending a no confidence letter to Graham Brady.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: To be honest, I don’t have much confidence in Graham Brady, either.

LordGeidt4Ethics: Can someone unsubscribe me from this group? I’m looking for the one about wallpaper.

#NadZEdSec: OK, any ideas people?

NadineCult: Red meat.

#NadZEdSec: Yes, I’ve said that already.

NadineCult: No, red meat, ban vegan menus in student refectories, ensure only red meat is served.

#NadZEdSec: What about vegetarians?

NadineCult: Yes, ban them too.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: I don’t think we can ban vegetarians from going to university. But let me check that.

#NadZEdSec: On a roll, anything else Nadine?

NadineCult: On a roll or perhaps with chips or mashed potatoes with gravy.

#TheSaj: Are there health implications to that?

#NadZEdSec: Might have to issue a health warning.

NadineCult: Woking can seriously damage your health.

KwasiBEIS: Can it?

SirGavinW: Ask Sam Gyimah’s political career.

DeputyRAAB: Was he from Woking?

Liz4PM: Universities should be opening new markets in China.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: For students?

Liz4PM: For pork.

#PritiSaysNo: We don’t want more Chinese students.

BenWallaceMOD: Because some of them might be spies?

#PritiSaysNo: Eh? Hadn’t thought of that.

Liz4PM: We import 100 per cent of our international students. THAT IS A DISGRACE!

#PritiSaysNo: We need more international students from the UK.

#AllYouNeedIsGove: Yes, we should give our own people the opportunity to be international students at our great universities.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: You mean they should quarantine for 14 days on arrival, and they should pay sky high fees?

KwasiBEIS: I thought that happened already.

DeputyRAAB: We could go big on this, “I was the first in my family from a ex-mining village in Durham to be an international student at Oxford”.

KwasiBEIS: But Durham and Oxford are in the same country.

DeputyRAAB: I had not appreciated the full extent of this.

#NadZEdSec: We’ll need more than “home internationals” and meat-only menus.

NadineCult: Defund research about the BBC.

FreewheelinGeorge: Why?

NadineCult: Because there won’t be a BBC.

KwasiBEIS: If there is no BBC, there won’t be an Open University either.

NadineCult: Win win.

Liz4PM: A crackdown on woke.

KwasiBEIS: At the Open University?

Liz4PM: At all universities. Right-wing academics should not be silenced.

FreewheelinGeorge: Are they?

DeputyRAAB: I haven’t seen many right-wing scientists on the news talking about coronavirus.

FreewheelinGeorge: Science isn’t right wing or left wing, it’s just science.

DeputyRAAB: I had not appreciated the full extent of this.

Liz4PM: Academics should prove they are not biased if they want to take a taxpayer funded salary.

FreewheelinGeorge: Err… I don’t think that’s correct.

#PritiSaysNo: They should swear an oath of allegiance.

KwasiBEIS: To who?

Liz4PM: To Britain.

NadineCult: To Big Dog.

FreewheelinGeorge: Academic salaries aren’t funded by the taxpayer.

NadineCult: Aren’t they?

FreewheelinGeorge: You are thinking of Channel Four.

NadineCult: Am I?

SirGavinW: What about students?

FreewheelinGeorge: I don’t think they have taxpayer funded salaries either.

SirGavinW: No, they could swear an oath of allegiance.

KwasiBEIS: Dear God.

SirGavinW: Yes, to God and the flag and to the repayment of their student loan.

Liz4PM: What about a quota on woke?

#NadZEdSec: You’ve spent too long reading trade deals.

Liz4PM: As part of their access agreements, every university should be obliged to recruit 50 per cent of their students from right wing backgrounds.

FreewheelinGeorge: You mean 50 per cent of university students should be aged over 65?

#PritiSaysNo: Would solve the problem of a lack of mature students.

SirGavinW: Skills!

#NadZEdSec: What about skills?

SirGavinW: No, I meant “skillz” in a street sense.

KwasiBEIS: Dear God.

#AllYouNeedIsGove: Don’t we have a skills bill already?

SirGavinW: Yes, it’s about creating expertise across the country.

#AllYouNeedIsGove: You want more experts?

NadineCult: Defund research on culture.

FreewheelinGeorge: Why?

NadineCult: Because there isn’t going to be any.

KwasiBEIS: Defund the AHRC?

DeputyRAAB: That will stop them rescuing migrants in dinghies.

#PritiSaysNo: That’s the RNLI.

NadineCult: Defund them too.

FreewheelinGeorge: The RNLI do not receive any taxpayer money.

NadineCult: Them too? Where’s it all going then?

KwasiBEIS: PPE contracts for our donors?

#AllYouNeedIsGove: What about levelling up?

KwasiBEIS: You mean giving out PPE contracts to donors across the country?

#AllYouNeedIsGove: No, can we use research and university funding to level up the regions? Any ideas?

#NadZEdSec: Aren’t you supposed to be writing your own white paper on that?

#AllYouNeedIsGove: Yes, any ideas? Not even kidding.

Rishi™: That’s ideas that don’t cost any money.

NadineCult: Where have you been? Have you been in hiding?

Rishi™: I’ve been in Cornwall seeing the roll out of new communications infrastructure.

NadineCult: So, why didn’t you tweet in support of Big Dog?

Rishi™: I couldn’t get a phone signal.

DowdenWithoutPortfolio: Could we fast-track the free speech tsar?

Shapps/Green/Fox: Buy them a season ticket? Lots of engineering works in January.

DowdenWithoutPortfolio: Let’s have a big hitter right wing academic.

KwasiBEIS: Anyone in mind?

NadineCult: David Starkey.

DonelanAttendingCabinet: Cancelled.

DeputyRAAB: Darren Grimes.

#NadZEdSec: He’s not an academic.

DeputyRAAB: Really? I thought he was super smart.

#PritiSaysNo: What’s David Irving doing now?

#NadZEdSec: I don’t think we can have a holocaust denier on campuses?

DonelanAttendingCabinet: Can’t we?

SirGavinW: We’ve been through this before, Michelle.

CoffeyDWP: What about pensions?

DonelanAttendingCabinet: For holocaust deniers?

CoffeyDWP: For those woke academics? Can’t we cut their pensions and impoverish them in old age.

KwasiBEIS: I think the ship has sailed on that one. Where have you been for the last few years?

CoffeyDWP: The department for work and pensions.

KwasiBEIS: That makes sense.

#BorisNo1: Sorry, I’m late I’ve been isolating.

#NadZEdSec: From your phone?

#BorisNo1: From Sky News.

NadineCult: Defund Sky News!

FreewheelinGeorge: I’m not sure how to break this to you…

#BorisNo1: Anyway, what ideas have you got for Big Dog?

Rishi™: Don’t tempt me.

#TheSaj: What about student nurses?

#BorisNo1: I deny those allegations implicitly.

#TheSaj: No, the number of young people applying to be nurses after the pandemic is a good news story.

#NadZEdSec: How many?

#TheSaj: Over 16,000.

#BorisNo1: Excellent, and what is the projected NHS nursing shortfall?

#TheSaj: Err… 100,000.

DeputyRAAB: I don’t think you’ve appreciated the full extent of this.

NadineCult: We’ve also got meat-only menus for student recs and an oath of allegiance for academics.

Liz4PM: And quotas on woke.

#BorisNo1: Great, did you think of what to do about the statues?

NadineCult: I thought that was who the red meat was for.

#BorisNo1: Great, good job everyone, back to my place for drinks.

SueGray: Please do not delete any messages from this group, they may be read as part of my inquiry into work events in Downing Street.

#BorisNo1 has left the group.

NadineCult has left the group.

Liz4PM has left the group.

DeputyRAAB has left the group.

#TheSaj has left the group

#AllYouNeedIsGove has left the group

KwasiBEIS has left the group

#NadZEdSec has left the group

FreewheelinGeorge has left the group

CoffeyDWP has left the group

Rishi™ has left the group

DowdenWithoutPortfolio has left the group

Shapps/Green/Fox has left the group

DonelanAttendingCabinet: Any one still there? We haven’t discussed my great new idea for student outcomes yet. 80 per cent of graduates should be the CEO of a FTSE 100 company by the age of 30.

SueGray has left the group

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