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Committee minutes

     

Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the National Science and Technology Council WhatsApp group

Ready4Rishi: Hey guys, I’m super busy at the moment what with the budget forecast and everything, so why don’t we run the NSTC as a WhatsApp group?

Donelan4LizRishi: The National Sports Training Centre?

Ready4Rishi: The National Science and Technology Council, can I just check the right people are on here?

BenTheBomb: Didn’t Liz abolish that?

Ready4Rishi: And I’m bringing it back.

CallMeHunt: Just like the Health and Social Care Levy?

Ready4Rishi: Maybe we could take that offline to discuss.

BenTheBomb: Because if you did that it would look like we didn’t know what we were doing.

DowndenIsBack: You don’t, you wanted to bring back Boris.

BenTheBomb: Maybe the health secretary has a view on it.

CallMeHunt: Who is the health secretary now, I’ve lost count?

DowndenIsBack: Steve Barclay.

CallMeHunt: The Brexit guy? That’s a promotion.

BenTheBomb: No, the guy who used to be Downing St chief of staff.

CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.

Ready4Rishi: The health secretary isn’t on the National Science and Technology Council.

TheRealGrantShapps: Eh?

TheFutureIsKemi: Literally makes no sense.

TheRealGrantShapps: But you’re on it?

SendThemBackSuella: Me too.

CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.

Ready4Rishi: This is the government’s brains trust on science.

DowndenIsBack: Maybe it would be a good idea if everyone introduced themselves. Anyone else on here who we haven’t heard from?

ForeignCleverly: I’m here.

BenTheBomb: Seriously?

RaabMeisterDom: Me too.

TheRealGrantShapps: Science? You don’t even know geography, mate.

EducatingKeegan: And your qualification to be here is?

TheRealGrantShapps: My career in business.

CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Don’t worry I’m here too.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Don’t worry I’m here too.

CallMeHunt: Look, I’ve got a budget to write. I’m going to mute you all.

Ready4Rishi: I think that’s the whole NSTC.

In4Penny2SaveThePound: The Naval Service Training Command?

Ready4Rishi: You are not supposed to be on here.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: I invited her.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Because?

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Reasons.

TheRealGrantShapps: When are the experts arriving?

Donelan4LizRishi: Like Nadhim Zahawi?

RaabMeisterDom: Dear God.

TheRealGrantShapps: No, Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty, and that bloke on the telly who knew what he was talking about.

EducatingKeegan: Matt Hancock?

Everyone: 不 不 不 不

TheRealGrantShapps: Was his name, Van Halen?

BenTheBomb: Van Tam.

Ready4Rishi: I don’t think it’s a good idea to remind people about the great unpleasantness of 2020. There are no scientific advisers on this group.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: There’s me.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: There’s me.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Damn, must type faster.

DowndenIsBack: So how can this committee advise you on science policy without any scientists?

Ready4Rishi: You are my oldest friend in politics.

DowndenIsBack: To be honest, Rishi, I’m not sure that counts.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Perhaps I could give a summary of where we are in terms of science.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Perhaps I could give a summary… oh fudge.

EducatingKeegan: Are there two of them?

RaabMeisterDom: Not the first time there has been two brains in the science role.

DowdenIsBack: Don’t worry there are four Grant Shapps.

TheRealGrantShapps: There are fewer Grant Shapps than there have been education secretaries this year.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: If I may continue, the crux of the matter is making sure the nation gets value for money for our substantial investment in science and technology.

BenTheBomb: What idiot promised that?

ForeignCleverly: Boris.

DowdenIsBack: Dominic Cummings.

ForeignCleverly: Dominic Cummings.

Ready4Rishi: I approved it as chancellor so it’s obviously a good thing.

TheRealGrantShapps: So that means I’m exempt from spending cuts.

Ready4Rishi: I approved the spirit of the idea, that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to it now.

CallMeHunt: Seriously, I’m trying to concentrate here.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say we won’t maximise our investment in science unless we relax immigration requirements for researchers.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say… yeah, what she said.

SendThemBackSuella: I’d rather resign.

TheFutureIsKemi: Me too,

Ready4Rishi: Hold on people, what about party unity?

Everyone: 不 不 不 不

SendThemBackSuella: There are too many international students writing their PhDs on dinghies crossing the English Channel bringing in their six children to invade our coastal frontiers.

ForeignCleverly: I might be slower than a sloth on Mogadon but I’m not sure that’s correct.

TheFutureIsKemi: I’m through with the culture wars. We should move on to the science wars.

SendThemBackSuella: There ae too many scientists recording the outbreak of disease in migrant centres in Dover.

TheFutureIsKemi: Are we sure the Oxford vaccine wasn’t the result of a mickey mouse degree?

Ready4Rishi: Perhaps we could move on from past obsessions.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say….

TheRealGrantShapps: Talking of obsessions.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say… whatever.

Ready4Rishi: I’ve actually got an agenda here.

BenTheBomb: Knew it.

Ready4Rishi: No, I mean a structure to this meeting.

ForeignCleverly: Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here.

Ready4Rishi: International aid still has an investment in science.

TheFutureIsKemi: That would be me.

Ready4Rishi: No, you are here for the role science and research will play in future trade deals.

TheFutureIsKemi: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As investment minister—got you there Freeman—the truth is that no one wants to spend money in the UK.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister… nuts.

CallMeHunt: That’s odd because the pound is worth nothing, investment in the UK is a bargain right now.

TheRealGrantShapps: But we’ve sold most things already, there’s nothing left.

EducatingKeegan: What about the universities?

Donelan4LizRishi: In my experience the wokerati would be dead against that.

EducatingKeegan: No, I mean selling our universities to foreign investors.

TheRealGrantShapps: Like London Bridge?

RaabMeisterDom: Is that a Hedge Fund?

Donelan4LizRishi: I think it was a TV series when I was a kid.

BenTheBomb: It could be our “tell Sid” moment.

TheFutureIsKemi: Does he work in central comms?

BenTheBomb: No, universities are just about the last public service to privatise, we could turn the clock back to Maggie’s share owning democracy.

Ready4Rishi: When we used to be popular?

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say, I’m lost and have no idea what is going on.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: I give up.

ForeignCleverly: Me too… when is the next general election?

Donelan4LizRishi: I remember something about being a science superpower but it’s all a bit vague.

TheRealGrantShapps: When are the experts arriving?

Ready4Rishi: Thanks all, I think we’ve given that issue a full airing. Next item on the agenda, should I go to COP27?

Everyone: 不 不 不 不

 

TheRealGrantShapps: has left the group.

Donelan4LizRishi has left the group.

GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister has left the group.

NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: has left the group (me first, oh damn).

ForeignCleverly has left the group.

TheFutureIsKemi: has left the group

BenTheBomb has left the group.

EducatingKeegan has left the group.

RaabMeisterDom has left the group.

Ready4Rishi: Please people what about party unity?

SendThemBackSuella: I would never quit.

Ready4Rishi has left the group.

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